How to know you’re ready for marriage
- Kate Tinio
- Jan 7
- 6 min read
When you dream about marriage, it’s easy to imagine the perfect scene: morning sunlight dimly filtering through the curtains of your new home, waking up to the smell of fresh coffee mingling with the sound of your husband’s laughter before you dance barefoot in the kitchen. However, that’s not always what marriage looks like. Some days, the alarm clock blares, the dog barks, the coffee spills, and we’re both tripping over each other in a race to find keys, shoes, and a shred of sanity — half-laughing, half-arguing and somehow still a team.
But how do you know if you’re ready for it all — the good and the bad? Like, really ready? Is there a checklist of spiritual or emotional milestones you must achieve before you step into marriage?
The answer is both simple and profound: You don’t have to be perfect, but you do need to be prepared. Readiness for marriage isn’t about ticking boxes; it’s about discerning God’s will for your life amid this season.
Discernment doesn’t end when the ring is on your finger — engagement is still a time of prayerful consideration and preparation for marriage. While saying “yes” to a proposal signifies a deep commitment to exploring this vocation together, it’s not the final “I do.”
This season is a perpetual discernment, marked by a growing clarity and confidence in your decision and the humility to step back if God reveals that this is not the path for you. By the time you start planning your wedding, you should feel secure enough in your discernment to put down deposits and envision your life together, yet detached enough to walk away if red flags arise or God calls you elsewhere — sounds so easy, right?
St. Ignatius of Loyola’s discernment of spirits provides invaluable wisdom for deciding whether you are ready to pursue marriage. Ignatius encourages us to pay attention to the movements of our hearts. Are you being drawn closer to God and his peace, or are you pulled toward fear, anxiety, and self-centeredness?
When discerning readiness for marriage, whether engaged or dating, it’s essential to ask:
Is this vocation drawing me closer to Christ? A relationship leading to marriage should inspire you to grow in holiness, not distract you from your relationship with God.
Am I making this decision in consolation or desolation? Ignatius teaches that decisions made in desolation — moments of spiritual dryness or turmoil — are often misguided. Take time to pray, consult a spiritual director, and evaluate whether your desire for marriage stems from peace and clarity or from fear of being alone or societal pressure.
Healing and being ready for marriage
While perfection is certainly not a prerequisite for marriage, St. John Paul II reminds us in “Love and Responsibility” that love is a journey requiring both maturity and vulnerability. Marriage is not a magical solution for unresolved wounds or a shortcut to wholeness. Instead, it’s a partnership where both spouses bring their strengths and weaknesses before God.
If you are completely raw, still grappling with unhealed wounds or unresolved pain, it may be wise to focus on healing before entering a serious relationship. Restlessness doesn’t disqualify you from marriage, but learning to ground your identity in Christ first allows you to love freely rather than from a place of fear or incompleteness.
Conversely, you don’t have to wait until you’re fully healed to pursue a relationship. Healing often deepens in community and through the Sacrament of Marriage itself.
The key is to ask: Have I begun the healing process? Am I actively seeking wholeness in Christ, even if I’m not there yet? Think of the sick man in John 5:6. Do you want to be well?
Practical steps in discernment
Pray and fast: Dedicate time to prayer and fasting, asking God to reveal his will for your vocation. Sit with his word, particularly passages like 1 Corinthians 13, which illuminates what love truly looks like.
Seek wise counsel: Talk to a spiritual director, trusted mentor, or priest. Their perspective can help you see clearly where you may have blind spots.
Examine your heart: Are you entering this vocation out of fear, loneliness, or societal expectations? Or are you genuinely drawn to serve and sacrifice for another in Christ?
Evaluate the relationship: If you’re already in a relationship, ask: Does this person call me higher? Do we share a common vision of life and faith? Is one of you dragging the other along or are you equally yoked?
Don’t rush what God is unfolding
In a culture that often glorifies instant gratification, it’s tempting to rush into major life decisions like marriage. But God’s timing is rarely hurried. If you feel an urgency to move forward that is more rooted in fear than in trust, it may be a sign to pause and pray for clarity.
Listen to St. Francis de Sales: “Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.” Rushing into marriage without discerning God’s will can lead to unnecessary heartache, not only for you but for the person you love. True love is patient; it takes time to build a foundation of trust, communication, and shared values. Allow God the space to work in your life and relationship, trusting that his plan is always worth the wait.
The gift of wise friends
Proverbs 11:14 teaches, For lack of guidance a people falls; security lies in many counselors.” While the ultimate decision about marriage is between you, your fiancé, and God, listening to the advice of trusted friends and family is an essential part of discernment. If loved ones express concerns or advise you to slow down, it’s not a sign of failure; it’s an opportunity to examine your heart more deeply.
You don’t need to follow every piece of advice you receive, especially if it conflicts with what God is speaking to your heart. But take their counsel to prayer and consider it with humility. Sometimes, those who love us most can see red flags we’re too emotionally involved to notice. Bring these concerns into your discernment process.
The balance of openness and conviction
As always, it’s also important to discern whether the advice you’re receiving is rooted in love and truth. Are your friends or family coming from a place of genuine care for your well-being, or are they projecting their own fears or biases? Take time to separate helpful guidance from noise, but don’t dismiss feedback too quickly. If multiple people you trust are encouraging you to slow down or reconsider, God may be using them as instruments of his grace.
We’ve all been on the other side of the conversation as the friend who’s just trying to help. Consider the courage it took to even start that conversation! This isn’t advice that’s given lightly.
Remember, discernment is not about finding perfect clarity in every detail but learning to trust God’s voice in your circumstances. Slowing down doesn’t mean closing the door; it means making space for God to speak and work in his perfect timing. Let your heart rest in him, knowing that he will guide your steps as you seek to follow his will.
Living the call
Ultimately, readiness for marriage is not about being perfect — it’s about being open to God’s grace. Marriage will sanctify you, challenge you, and draw you closer to Christ, but you must enter it with eyes wide open, a heart willing to serve, and a foundation of trust in God’s plan.
As you discern, take comfort in the Lord. If God is calling you to marriage, he will provide the grace to live out this vocation, imperfections and all. Trust him, take the next right step, and know that he will lead you exactly where you need to be.
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