I have an older 2-year-old, a 16-month-old, and I am over 8 months pregnant. Most people would consider me crazy, uneducated, or just plain stupid. Even from a faithful Catholic perspective, which entails a general openness to life in marriage, having children so close together is a highly unusual decision. Most faithful Catholic couples would prefer to use Natural Family Planning (NFP) to space births further, aiming to have children 18 to 24 months apart or more.
Two important caveats
Before I say anything else, I have to give two important caveats. First, this is not a judgment on anyone else’s decision regarding the best way to use NFP or space children in your marriage and family. In fact, the Church asks couples to use prudential judgment in their use of NFP, and there are different reasons (including health concerns and financial issues) that couples may wisely discern that it is best for their marriage and family to intentionally space births. I intend none of my reflection as medical advice, and I realize that there are serious medical reasons that your doctor may suggest that it is best to wait at least 9 months from a previous pregnancy before becoming pregnant again (especially if other children were born pre-term) and that the spacing recommendation may lengthen in the face of other conditions, such as a previous cesarian section. Please prudently discern God’s will for you within your marriage and unique situation.
(Note: There are also many childbearing women whose cycle doesn’t return until they have finished breastfeeding, which means that it is biologically impossible for many nursing mothers to have children so close together. I am in the minority in that my cycle returns even while I am exclusively breastfeeding.)
Secondly, just as there are women who would think I am insane for intentionally choosing to give birth to a third child while my oldest is not yet 3 years old, there are countless other women who would give anything to be in my shoes — who struggle with infertility or secondary infertility or miscarriage, or who long for a spouse they haven’t found. Those are enormous crosses, and I cry and pray with you that God would fulfill the desires of your heart and bless you with a marriage full of children. I pray that you will know Jesus walking with you so that you will find your burdens lightened by entrusting them to him. And I assure you that, if God does not bless you with children, he has not forgotten you and can bless you in other remarkable ways.
Being radically open to life
Disclaimers out of the way, I know that my husband and I, at the very least, are highly unusual for having children so close together and for having several so young at the same time (without any of them being twins). Perhaps more bizarre, when supportive people ask, “Was it a happy accident?,” our most honest answer would be a smiling, “No! We were trying.”
Shocking a broken culture through your desire to receive and love children with generous abandon is neither stupid nor naïve. It is an expression of the fullness of womanhood.
So I write this article to pique the curiosity of those who think “She’s crazy!” or “Why would someone choose that?,” but most of all for those women who deep in their hearts long to also be radically open to life in their marriages but who think “that’s not possible” or “nobody does that” or “I must be crazy to want that.” Whatever your individual circumstances are, I am here to tell you that shocking a broken culture through your desire to receive and love children with generous abandon is neither stupid nor naïve. It is an expression of the fullness of womanhood. Here are a few of the convictions that spur on our radical openness to children and that have impelled my husband and me, far from intentionally spacing children, to welcome them whenever they come.
Allowing God to bless us
We want to allow God to bless us how and when he wishes! I once heard a very well-meaning, loving, and Christian father of two explain his refusal to have more children with the declaration, “We hope God is done blessing us now!” It came with a laugh and a quick clarification, “… in that way.” But the illuminating truth found in that statement cemented itself into my mind. Children are an enormous fruit and blessing of any marriage, and if I really think about it, why would I want to keep God from giving me that gift, even over and over again? I, for one, don’t want to restrict how much or when God can bless me. That choice may be risky, daring, wild, and crazy, and I’m okay with that.
In nearly every culture and era other than our own, children were considered the greatest wealth and inheritance anyone could have. Our society has lost that conviction, but we can’t alter the truth.
No regrets
My husband and I are convicted that we will never regret having one more child. When people age, apart from their faith life, their greatest solace, consolation, hope, joy, etc., comes from their children and grandchildren. Elderly people don’t say, “I wish I hadn’t had those children.” If anything, they wish they had had more! (Please note: Those women who cannot have biological children can be blessed as they age through the fruits of spiritual motherhood.) Undoubtedly, it’s hard having all young children, but I don’t think it is ever something we will live to regret. In nearly every culture and era other than our own, children were considered the greatest wealth and inheritance anyone could have. Our society has lost that conviction, but we can’t alter the truth.
Returning thankful praise to God
Openness to life is a way of returning thankful praise for the blessing of our resources. Why has God blessed us with a home, good jobs, and food on our table? Presumably, God blesses us with good things so that we might pass along that blessing! In the words of Scripture, “To whom much is given, of him will much be required” (Luke 12:48, RSV). Certainly, openness to children is not the only way to respond in gratitude to God’s provision, but it is one of the most important, natural, and obvious ways in a marriage.
I was recently saddened to hear a wonderful mother’s bittersweet reflection on her second pregnancy. She shared that she wanted to treasure the pregnancy because she wasn’t sure they would ever be able to afford another child. I was most struck by that comment because I knew this family was far from living in poverty. The idea that we must have a certain type of house or number of cars or be able to afford private schooling may stand in the way of having more children. Yet I am convinced that, just as our openness to children is a way of thanking God for what he has already given us, on his part, God is never outdone in generosity. My husband and I have watched God miraculously pave our financial and career paths, and I know that is a sign of his faithfulness to us — that he knows we want to choose him and our marriage and family first, and that we can trust him to work out the details.
The gift of siblings
“There’s nothing better that you could give to a kid than a sibling.” That jubilant declaration, shared by a friend when we announced our second pregnancy, continues to resonate in my heart. Of all the things we can give our children, the most important is to pass on our faith in Jesus. But of all the possible material things, a sibling is the greatest gift I can give them. No college education, no game, no toy, no book, no organic food, no brand-name clothing, no glorious photo album can compare with the gift of a sibling. I see this especially profoundly at funerals when I observe adult children who have lost their parents finding consolation in each other. When my husband and I have passed on, I pray we leave behind a wealth of children and grandchildren who can keep each other strong in the Faith and continue to be best friends and role models to each other.
Why not?
Finally, in answer to those who would question our childbearing openness with a confused or even irate, “Why?,” my simplest and most profound answer is simply, “Why not?” Why not trust in God’s providence for us? Why not desire the greatest tangible gift with which God can bless a marriage? Why not fill our hearts and home with more love?
I will leave you with two anecdotes, the first a parable of sorts and the second a true story.
Mrs. Smith was a mother of seven children. When they were young, she could be seen vainly attempting to corral the rowdy bunch in the grocery store. Her neighbors would shake their heads and remark, “Poor Mrs. Smith.” When she grew old and found herself in a nursing home, she had more faithful visitors than all the other residents. Her neighbors would bob their heads and say, “Mrs. Smith is so lucky.”
I know a mother blessed with many children. She is sometimes questioned about the overwhelming abundance of her children and the accompanying workload, financial stress, and chaos. In answer to the doubters, she replies, “If you think our hands are full, you should see our hearts.”
If you find yourselves at a crossroads, feeling impelled to take a leap of faith and open your marriage up to all of the blessings God has in store for you, whatever those may be, I can assure you: It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Eternally worth it.
My dear sisters, your situation may be entirely different from my own. It is quite unlikely that you are discerning whether or not be to open to another child at four months postpartum. It is much more likely that you are wondering if you can be open to a fourth child when everyone in your family finds it strange that you already have three. Or you may be considering openness to more children even though your youngest is well beyond the diaper years and you never imagined yourself returning to that stage. If you find yourselves at a crossroads, feeling impelled to take a leap of faith and open your marriage up to all of the blessings God has in store for you, whatever those may be, I can assure you: It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. Eternally worth it. If you find your hands clenched, holding on to all that you envisioned for your life, I pray that you would open those fists and allow yourself to simply receive. Maybe God’s will for you is more children; maybe it is something entirely different. Whatever it is, it will always be best to let him bless you!